The seedy underbelly of mommyhood

Oh, moms. Y’all nearly had me fooled with your sweet desk photos, Instagram shrines to your offspring and sappy Facebook memes about proudly wearing your stretch marks and loose skin like badges of honour from a hard-won “but so worth it!!” battle. For the record, I don’t want women to feel ashamed of their post-baby bodies, but nobody in their right mind is pro-stretch marks.

When you get pregnant though, moms start saying things you’ve never heard them say before. Things like:

“I fantasized about walking out the door and never coming back.”

“For a few days after he was born all I could think was, ‘what the fuck have I done to my life?’”

“You WILL poop on the delivery table.”

“Our toddler is a cock-blocker. Even asleep, he senses an erection from three rooms away and starts screaming. Every. Damn. Time.”

“Baby _______ was an asshole.”

“I pee a little when I sneeze now.”

It’s like suddenly getting handed a backstage pass to a show where – instead of stumbling into a hedonistic sea of cocaine-snorting hard-bodies revelling in shameless debauchery and gratuitous sex – you find your idol applying baby powder to his leather-pant chafed balls, while sipping a kale smoothie.

Yup, there’s a whole lot of ugly reality behind this velvet curtain. I’ll give you this: you’re a wily bunch, moms. Walking around telling everyone how wonderful motherhood is and badgering us to join your cult until we take the bait, then boom! It’s all poop and cock-blocking.