This nesting thing…

How early does it start? And, more pressingly, does it manifest as an eye-twitch and burning desire to throw away everything in your house?

See, I always thought it was more about starting to feel all cozy and maternal. Spending time stowing away baby clothes, prepping freezer meals and wanting to spend time at home, sipping tea and knitting booties…or something.

Whereas this crazy bitch wants to flag down a trucker and pay him to come in and cart away everything in the fucking house. Clothes? Way too many of them and they don’t fit anyways (I have lost ALL perspective here, anything that doesn’t currently fit me is utterly useless, always has been and will never have a purpose in my life again) Everything must go! Off to the clothing donation bin! My husband’s stuff? Like, why does he even need to keep his things in our house at all? Can’t it all just go away? Totally reasonable. The couch, the coffee table, our stupid (godforsaken wobbly framed) bed, old computers, desks, boxes, old packages, WHY IS THIS STUFF IN MY HOUSE??!!

And the worst part is, when you’re 7 months pregnant, you can’t really take any action. Short of actually flagging down a trucker, which…honestly, isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever had…I’m in no physical position to do much to satisfy the urge to purge. I can (and am) cleaning, donating and tossing the light stuff that I can carry (and my body will still be a disaster by day’s end) but the rest of it just has to wait until my husband can get it done (and get the help he needs to do it, since again, I am the definition of dead weight in this partnership).

Naturally, I did the only thing I know how to do. Which is make a ridiculously complex, colour-coded (pink and blue jobs) list of goals and task. At least my eye has stopped twitching long enough to pack for vacation. Can’t you tell how relaxed and carefree I am on my first day of holidays?

The big piss off.

You’ve probably heard that you pee a lot when you’re pregnant. Like me, you may have assumed that this happens as baby grows and puts pressure on your bladder. Perfectly logical. Logical, but so not the whole story. This happens, for sure, but you will also have to pee a ton almost as soon as you’re pregnant when the baby is literally the size of a poppy seed. And when you tell people how much you are peeing at this stage, they will give you the side-eye and say things like, “but the baby isn’t even taking up room yet!” or “already??!” or, the thing you will hear most often in pregnancy: “just you wait!”, and you will want to punch them in the face. When you should be using your valuable energy for falling on your knees and praising the gods every single time a first trimester urge hits and you get to enjoy a long, productive, satisfying piss.

Because in those early days, needing to pee a lot is a fact. In later days, it’s more of a maddening illusion. I’ll explain. In pregnancy, the amount of blood in your body rises until you have almost 50% more than normal (fun fact: if you gain 30 lbs in pregnancy, 4 lbs of it is extra blood). And in the first trimester, hormonal changes cause all this blood to flow more quickly through your kidneys, making them produce up to 25% more urine – which obviously fills your bladder more often. Apparently, this increased urine production peaks somewhere between 9 and 16 weeks and then settles down. So yeah, you legitimately have to pee a lot at first. And it’s a little annoying, especially if you’re not used to waking up at night to pee, but it’s really not so bad. Then you get a lovely little most-of-the-second-trimester break (seriously, the second trimester is magical in a number of ways).

And then somewhere around 25 weeks or so (or more specifically, I’m guessing, whenever your belly actually pops) you will begin to feel like you have to pee a lot again. But – here’s the kicker – you don’t actually have to. You will sit down, pee 3 drops and then stand up and feel like you have to pee again. And repeat. All fucking day long. You will start to stubbornly hold your pee in (because you are wise to your bladder’s tricks by now and will not be a slave to it) forever (30 minutes max), feeling like you are going to pee your pants every time your foot hits the ground when you walk, before finally giving in and peeing 6 drops. You will begin to look forward to the first pee upon waking because it is the only time all day that it will seem worthwhile actually flushing the toilet. And in fact, when you are home alone, you will flush only every 4th or 5th pee because all that flushing is crazy-making when the toilet water is still crystal clear. There will be eye-rolling when you tell your husband that you have to leave Sears NOW because you really need to pee, and no you can’t just walk ALL THE WAY DOWN THE MALL to the bathroom because walking is torture, and yes, sitting in the car and waiting until you get to the restaurant makes total sense even if it makes zero sense to him.

Suffice to say that there is needing to pee a lot and then there is needing to pee often and desperately, but not a lot. The former beats the latter in any pissing contest.

Advent Calendar: December 21 -25

I know – late, late, late. As is my style nowadays be it with getting to work or getting blog posts done. Better late than never I s’pose?

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This included St. Tropez Instant Tan (Day 21), Eve Lom cleanser (Day 22) which Vogue described as “probably the best cleanser in the world” (you know, if you’re into rave reviews from the foremost fashion authority) Murad Rapid Collagen Infusion (Day 23), Nuxe Reve de Miel makeup removing and cleansing gel (Day 24) and the final door held a Tangle Teezer brush which, frankly, is not nearly as good as my beloved Wet Brush – if you don’t have one, you need one. It will change your life if you have long, tangly hair.

All in all, I’m super happy with the contents of this beauty advent calendar and I am for sure going to do one again next year! I would probably do the Look Fantastic one again, but I may spend some time checking out other options now that I know they are a thing!

A series of uncomfortable events

As you may be able to guess from the title, this one is all about our big, old fashioned family Christmas vacation.

Psych! No, it’s not. And my husband probably just had a heart attack. Although I can’t let it go unsaid that I vividly fantasized about clubbing my father-in-law with a yuletide log when he cheerfully reminded me that I “still have three more months to go!” and that, going by his wife’s experiences, I “should have a ton of energy!” as I was lying on the floor trying to release a seized-up back muscle the day I was puking (from a weird 24-hour stomach bug) and had fallen (on motherfucking treacherous ice outside our charming little mountain-town rental). Anyways…family holidays are magical.

Breathe and refocus. The title is actually just a phrase I used to describe pregnancy in general to my sister- and brother-in-law over a brunch of what is quite possibly the world’s best french toast and a true holiday highlight. Well, I’m not sure it was my exact wording, because the french toast was really distracting, but it was something along those lines.

Overall, I have very little to complain about (and yet I will) because it’s not that my pregnancy has been particularly problematic, painful or difficult in any serious way. Nonetheless, I’d still say that I’m vaguely, in some way, at least a little bit uncomfortable a good, oh, 75% of the time. Of course, the 25% of the time that I feel really good is always in the comfort of my own home and never when it would actually be super helpful to feel good – like in a client meeting, on a plane or stuck in my desk at work. And nearly every day brings at least one moment of, “Great, so my body does THAT now. Awesome.”

Like, you start getting sharp pains when you sit up (or get up) too quickly. Cool, so that’s a thing. Your leg/hip sort of “gives out” when you make certain movements. Right on. Your lower back/pelvis hurts or feels weak or unstable almost all the time. Sweet, that’s normal now. The list goes on. And it’s always a moving target. Just as you get used to “what’s normal now”, a new little niggling symptom appears or an old one disappears.

Currently, my biggest complaints are heartburn / acid reflux type issues when I lie down, and the general sense that all my organs are undergoing a massive reorganization. My stomach feels like it is somewhere up by the top of my ribs and my lungs do not like walking up two or more flights of stairs. Consider this handy GIF that illustrates what I am feeling happening:

How a woman's internal organs move when she's pregnant

Slightly disturbing, no? Other than that, I’m not really digging the heaviness – literally, not metaphorically. While the weight gain and change in body shape isn’t the most esthetically pleasing proposition, it’s actually more about how it feels than how it looks. Now that my bump has officially popped out and I’ve gained about 17 lbs, I’m starting to feel heavy and awkward. Bending over sorta sucks. Putting on shoes/boots sorta sucks. Getting up from lying on your back sorta sucks. Basically, your body just feels weighed-down, sluggish and less nimble than it normally does. Which also makes you feel less confident and capable. Which then makes you feel less attractive as much (or more so) as your reflection in the mirror dictates. At least for me.

On the bright side, feeling the baby kick is still pretty fun. She’s big enough now to pack a solid punch/kick/flip (CONSTANTLY), but not so big yet that she’s actually causing any discomfort. At my check-up today all was well, measurements are normal and her little ticker is pumping away at 136 bpm. I also learned that I am officially in my third trimester now (!!!), so the thought of being in the homestretch is helpful.

A quick word on why I suck before I go: As many of you have reminded me, I have not been the best at keeping up with blog posts lately. I could offer up a myriad of excuses: Christmas holidays, work, company, etc. etc. but the boring truth is that I’m just lazy sometimes (often) and over the last few weeks it’s been a bit of a struggle to sit in my desk at work and pretend to be a creative writer, let alone to face the computer when I get home and again, pretend to have the creative energy to come up with anything worth the effort of typing. I think that’s an inherent problem with maintaining a creative side project when you have a creative day job. Sometimes, there’s just nothing left over to give.