Perry The Parasite

Finding out you are growing a human in your body is a very, very strange experience. I know it’s supposed to feel like a miracle, and maybe you’re supposed to envision a beautiful, angelic baby floating peacefully inside your womb. But frankly, it all felt more sci-fi than circle of life to me. For starters, it’s not really a baby yet, is it? When you first find out you’re pregnant, it’s just a clump of cells that makes you unable to think about lettuce without gagging.

And it certainly didn’t feel like a miracle. It felt like something was slowly, but methodically, draining my blood. And then I started reading actual medical and scientific literature that explains the early days following conception using words like “hatching” and “burrowing”. And then I learned that it had an embryonic tail. You guys. It had a fucking TAIL.

It selfishly hoards all the nutrients you manage not to puke up, hides from your immune system to avoid attack and grows until it is has taken all it can from your body. Then it emerges (not very gracefully, may I add) and goes to work draining your life savings.

Let it be known that we do want this baby. And we’re very excited. That’s why we started calling it Perry instead of just “the parasite”. It’s much cuter. I’m actually kind of starting to like the name Perry, which is bound to cause a massive fight with my husband at some point. Stay tuned!

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